


Life Astray

by pyromanicofthesea



Category: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Deathshipping, Kek is Yami Marik, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, Rating May Change, Slow burn as in it takes many chapters for the get-together not slow burn as in the feels part, shadow magic probably doesn't work like this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-17
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:14:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27601253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pyromanicofthesea/pseuds/pyromanicofthesea
Summary: The horizon was much easier to see now, and the water of the lake glistened in the sinking sun. It was a shadow figure near the lake's edge that caught Ryou's attention. The shadow was bathed in darkness under the sun, whisps of inky black smoked off shoulders and up to the tips of what Ryou guessed would be hair. Ryou felt his heart race. It felt straight out of a horror movie, and despite everything Ryou had seen, somehow that was what made his pulse pick up.
Relationships: Bakura Ryou/Yami Marik
Comments: 4
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: there is a wound care scene near the middle-end, in case that is a squick for anyone. Easy to skip over, just skip once the first-aid kit shows up and go to the next section break (the big space).

The leaves crunched under Ryou's boots, frost melting as it compressed against the rubber sole. The air around him threatened to chill him to the bone. His winter jacket had been forgotten, so he wore only a striped t-shirt and jeans on his walk. The woods were quiet, the only sound to pierce the still air was the creaking of bark, strained by the formation of ice fractals. One would think a day such as this would be windy with the chill it provided, but the air was still, not even a cloud in sight as the sun made its way down towards the horizon line.

The smell of the freezing plantlife gave the crisp air an exhilarating quality. Ryou took deep breaths as he walked, his eyes occasionally fluttering closed to lose himself in the joy of the moment. He stepped over a thick tree root, surfaced just enough to threaten to trip careless wanderers, and smiled into the empty space around him. Most of the tall, looming trees were leafless, peering over Ryou like giants.

Not much longer into his walk, Ryou found himself entering a clearing that overlooked a small, still lake. The horizon was much easier to see now, and the water of the lake glistened in the sinking sun. It was a shadow figure near the lake's edge that caught Ryou's attention. The shadow was bathed in darkness under the sun, wisps of inky black smoked off shoulders and up to the tips of what Ryou guessed would be hair. Ryou felt his heart race. It felt straight out of a horror movie, and despite everything Ryou had seen, somehow that was what made his pulse pick up.

The shadow appeared to turn, smokey whisps dancing from the movement. Ryou was about to take a step backwards when the shadows began to melt away. Still wrapped in a haze, but visible, stood Marik at the water's edge. His hair was spiked up, tall points rivaling Yugi's. He wore Marik's face, but Ryou was unsure. He had only seen Marik a few times, during lapses in the Ring Spirit's control, but he would bet money Marik had been shorter than that. Marik or not-Marik growled low in his throat, stopping Ryou's musings cold.

"You!" he barked out, and something about the intensity froze Ryou deeper than the evening winter air. He swallowed, a gulp reflex to regain his bearings. He knew he had to think fast. Think. He faced the god of darkness and lived. Standing his ground against Marik should be easy.

"Me?" Ryou called back. Marik's face twisted into a snarl, rage radiating off the man in thick waves. He marched up to Ryou, having no quarrels about getting up in his face.

"What the fuck are you doing back here? I left _alone_ ," Marik hissed, his breath warm on Ryou's chilled cheeks. " _You_ were going to _Aaru_." Marik's eyes flicked down and back up, either appraising Ryou or sizing him up as Ryou stood there, not a clue in the world what Marik was talking about. Bright lavender eyes pulled into a sharp glare as Marik considered him. "You're not him."

"Who?"

"The Ring Spirit!" Marik's shout ricocheted off the trees, echoing through the empty clearing. A flock of crows cawed as they fled the trees and took to the skies in search of a quieter section of the woods. Ryou frowned, an expression of equal personal meaning as Marik's harsh glare.

"There's no need to _yell_ ," Ryou said with a stern voice. "I am most certainly _not_ the Spirit of the Ring, and that mistake tells me you are most certainly not _Marik_." Marik - Not-Marik - grimaced, looking away from Ryou and then walking back to the edge of the lake.

"No, I'm not _Marik_ ," he all but spat the name out. His arms were crossed, fingers gripping his bare arms tight enough that red prints would surely be left when he let go. "I don't know who I am. A killer, if I had to choose."

"Well, no one said you had to choose," Ryou said with a click of his tongue as he followed Not-Marik. He glanced over at Ryou, a grin cutting its way across his face to show sharp teeth.

"Frightened of the thought, Not-Bakura?"

"Do not dare call me that!" Ryou said in the harshest tone he had ever used in his life. Bakura stole his body, his name, and most of his junior and senior school years. He would not just stand there and let someone imply _the Ring Spirit_ had been the _original_. Not-Marik sneered, and Ryou threw a punch before he realized he moved his arm. Not-Marik stumbled back from the force of the punch, and Ryou felt a sharp pain shoot up from his knuckles to his shoulder. He held his hand and swore, clutching the surely-bruised and possibly broken hand to his chest.

A growl came from Ryou's left, and he dove out of the way just in time to avoid Not-Marik's charge. Ryou made a beeline to the trees, Not-Marik's heavy footsteps after him. Ryou leaped at the first tree trunk he saw, launching himself up as his foot hit the bark so he had a chance of reaching the lowest branch. He prayed the branches were strong enough to hold him as he grabbed hold of the limb. Ryou didn't wait to see if it would hold, scrambling up without a second thought just as Not-Marik caught up to him. For good measure, Ryou climbed up several more branches higher before he looked down at Not-Marik, not realizing the branch didn’t snap until he was higher in the tree.

"Get down from there!" Not-Marik yelled up the tree. He tried to climb the tree, but his fingers found no purchase on the tree bark.

"Absolutely not!" Ryou yelled back down. "I'm dreadfully sorry for hitting you, but you deserved it!"

Not-Marik tripled his efforts, enough so that one of his attempted clamorings tore off a solid strip of bark from the tree. His fingers bled, splinters pressed deep into the skin as he continued to try and fail at following Ryou up the tree. Not-Marik yelled up the tree until his voice was raw, pent up rage and frustration clouding every feeling he had as he continued to not be able to reach Ryou.

“Stop and think for a moment! How would you like it if I said you were nothing without Marik?” Ryou called down as he watched Not-Marik rage. The full force of Ryou’s words stopped Not-Marik cold.

"What did you say?"

"I said, how would you like it if I said you were nothing without Marik?" Ryou called down, repeating himself. "You are the Other Marik, aren't you?" Not-Marik nodded, and turned away. He looked out at the lake, the sun coming down to try and kiss the horizon.

"I'm whole without Marik," he said. From the height Ryou crouched at, Not-Marik’s regular volume was barely audible. He climbed down one branch, and Not-Marik looked up at the sound of Ryou moving.

"Exactly. Bakura is my name, not the Ring Spirit's," Ryou explained. "He stole it from me, like he did my body, my apartment, and most of my life."

A look of sympathy crossed over Not-Marik's face for a moment before his brows furrowed again. His gaze on Ryou was intense. "Why are you making me feel one of Marik's emotions?" Not-Marik's intense gaze turned to a glare. "Stop it."

"I'm afraid I'm not doing anything. Those are your emotions."

"No. No No No!" Not-Marik began to pace in front of the tree. "No! Marik feels connection and sympathy and care! Marik feels power and pride and joy! I feel rage and fear and hatred, that's how it is!" Not-Marik punched the tree, wincing immediately as the bark tore up his knuckles. "Fuck! This isn't how this works!"

"You're your own person now," Ryou said, his voice calm. Not-Marik looked up at him, a mix of fear and anger in his lavender eyes. "You're not Marik, and you're not halved anymore."

"Well I don't like it," he said, but he leaned up against the tree, appearing to have calmed down. "Living was easier when I only had to deal with Marik, not all this." Ryou couldn't help the frown that pulled his lips down. He clicked his tongue again, disapproving.

"But you were only a fragment of Marik's mind back then," he said. "I'm not sure how you escaped the Shadow Realm, but you're alive as a whole person now. Surely that's better than only being allowed consciousness when Marik was upset or in danger." Not-Marik shook his head but said nothing. He was quiet for what felt like hours. By the sun, it was only a few minutes until he spoke again.

"I don't know what I'm doing," he said. He looked back up at Ryou, and Ryou couldn't help but see the same lost look that met him in the mirror for months after the Pharaoh had left. The same lost look that still snuck into his mirror more than Ryou wanted to admit. "I'm still Shadow, Darkness, you saw me at the lakeside. I'm not human."

"You're human enough," Ryou said.

"Not human enough for you to come back down."

"Will you hurt me for hitting you if I do come down?"

"No," Not-Marik shook his head. "No, I understand why you were upset. I would be, too. Don't hit me again though. I'll hit back next time."

"You can try," Ryou said with a smile. Not-Marik gave him a look, surprised at the way Ryou's sweet voice taunted him without being smug. "I'll come down now though. I was going to watch the sunset. I still am, and you're welcome to join me." Ryou moved from his branch down to one of the last before he'd have to find a safe way down without the branches. A sudden sinking feeling burrowed its way into the gut of Not-Marik, erupting in a chilling panic.

"Wait!" Not-Marik called out, but Ryou's weight was already on the branch. A crack filled the air, and Ryou plummeted before he had the chance to try and grab a nearby branch. Shadows clouded Ryou's vision in an instant, surrounding him and slowing his fall. The thick smoke of Shadow Magic dropped Ryou into Not-Marik's arms, far more gently than he would've hit the ground had Not-Marik not summoned the shadows when he did.

"Thank you," Ryou said as Not-Marik put him right on his feet. Ryou looked up at the broken tree limb. "I definitely would have sprained something if you didn't catch me, or broken something if I was unlucky." He gave Not-Marik a gracious smile until he saw the blood dripping from Not-Marik's knuckles and fingertips. "Oh my, was that from trying to climb the tree?"

"Eh, this?" Not-Marik raised his bleeding knuckles and dragged his long tongue over them, lapping the blood from the wound in one lick. "This is nothing," he said with a grin, blood stains on his lips and the tips of his front teeth. He looked like a murderer from one of Ryou's horror films.

"Well, if you insist," Ryou said with a shrug, though he was uncertain that Not-Marik was actually without pain with scrapes and cuts like those. "If you decide you're uncomfortable though, I keep a First-Aid kit in my car. It's only a forty minute walk from here." Not-Marik shook his head, and looked out at the lake. The sun was just beginning to meet the dip of the horizon, light reflecting off the still pool of water.

"You were going to walk so far in the dark? That's dangerous."

"Nothing really feels dangerous after everything from before," Ryou said, vaguely referring to the Ring, Necrophades, and a connection to Shadow Magic in general.

A low chuckle built up from Not-Marik's throat, spilling from his lips similar to a melodic growl. "You really are nothing like Bakur- erm, like the Ring Spirit," Not-Marik said, not exactly catching himself though Ryou gave him a thankful smile regardless.

"Sometimes I am not so sure," Ryou said with a sigh. He shook his head and looked out at the sunset melding with the water. "I fear after living so long with him in my head, I'm too much like him anymore."

"You're not," Not-Marik said with a confidence and certainty that caused Ryou to look over at him, meeting his intense gaze. "I can tell. The Ring Spirit would never be concerned that my hands are bleeding, and he would _never_ call me human."

"Do you hate him?"

"Yes, do you?"

"No." Ryou spoke with a confidence that confused Not-Marik more than anything else. "He was not great, but I am not happy about the way things ended. I think that in another life, we could have been friends. He did not deserve to be sent into shadows."

Not-Marik threw a stone into the lake, disrupting the water with ripples of impact. "He's not in the shadows anymore," he scowled at the water as the ripples in the lake reached the shore. "He was pulled into Aaru. I don't know why. I snuck out behind him, and found my way here."

"Why not follow him to Aaru?"

"As if I would be welcomed in Aaru, especially when I'm made whole through pure Shadow Magic," Not-Marik scoffed. He threw another rock into the lake. "And don't ask why I left. It was no different than being stuck in Marik's mind."

"Are you going to try to take over the world again?" Ryou asked. He didn't give any indication of concern, but he glanced over at Not-Marik. Not-Marik just shrugged.

"I don't know. I still feel bad for upsetting you, and I hardly know you," he said, and shook his head. "Taking over the world isn't going to be any fun if I'm just going to feel bad about it. I hope this doesn't get in the way of killing others."

"You're joking." Ryou met Not-Marik's eyes, and his shoulders sank. "You're not joking."

"No, why would I be joking? I _enjoy_ killing people," Not-Marik said, the same way one would speak of their favorite food or sport. "It's nice hearing them scream and watching the light drain from their eyes. Why are you making that face?"

The face Ryou was making was one of pure disbelief, his eyes wide and his brows raised. "Do not kill people."

"I'm not going to stop. Are you going to stop me?" Not-Marik gave Ryou a look that screamed Ryou couldn't stop him even if he wanted to.

Ryou shook his head and sighed. "At least only kill the _really_ bad people, okay? And not too often, or the police will be suspicious. And don't do any hits-for-hire."

"Since when do I need your permission?" Not-Marik scoffed, and turned his head away. He crossed his arms, and Ryou couldn't help but think the whole situation was ridiculous. Not-Marik could and would kill or not kill as he pleased, so why was he entertaining Ryou like this?

"Because if you kill innocent people, or people who still could change for the better, you'd make me sad," Ryou said, and he put on his best puppy face when Not-Marik turned to look at him.

"Fuck you, don't do that to me!" he said. He began to pace along the lake's edge. "I'm only just now figuring out new emotions, don't do that to me!"

"Sorry," Ryou said without sounding sorry in the slightest. "That's what being human is like. People are sad when others die."

"I don't care about 'people'!"

"But you care if I'm sad?"

"I don't know!" Not-Marik said, throwing his hands in the air as he paced. "This is all confusing! I didn't exactly leave the Shadow Realm with an instruction manual for this 'whole self' shit! You're nice to me, and I like it. That's what I know!" Ryou couldn't help the smile that crossed his lips. It was endearing, in a twisted sort of way, that his kindness was what Not-Marik grew fond of.

"You have plenty of time to think about it," Ryou said. "Come watch the sunset. It's almost dark." 

Not-Marik stopped his pacing and stood beside Ryou again. He shoved his hands in his pockets so he wouldn't fidget with his jewelry. The wind started to pick up, sending a new chill down both men's backs, before the sun dipped below the horizon. Ryou's teeth began to chatter, and Not-Marik couldn't stand it.

"You said your car was near here?" Not-Marik asked as a shiver ran through him.

Ryou nodded and started to head back the way he came. "This way," he said over his shoulder. "It'll still be dark before we get there." Ryou's teeth continued to chatter despite the way he clenched his jaw, and before he knew it, Not-Marik's purple cloak was being draped over his shoulders. He gave Not-Marik a look of confusion, and Not-Marik just shrugged.

"Your shivering is obnoxious," he said, and something about it reminded Ryou of the times the Ring Spirit did something uncharacteristically kind for him only to brush it off as a selfish act. It made him smile.

"Won't you be cold? I couldn't take this," Ryou said, though he made no move to take the cloak off. It was warm from Not-Marik's body heat and kept the growing wind from biting too badly. He didn't want to give the cloak back, but it felt too impolite not to refuse it.

"Shadows don't feel the cold," Not-Marik said. Ryou figured it was the best he'd get out of him. Not-Marik grabbed Ryou's arm, yanking him backwards to stop him. "Watch out! There's a dip there." 

Ryou looked, and in the low light he could barely see, but sure enough there were shadows just slightly darker than the ones on the ground, showing a divet that he nearly stepped into. It could've easily tripped him, causing him to fall or twist his ankle. "Thanks," Ryou said as he and Not-Marik stepped over the divet in the ground. "Can you see in the dark?"

"As clear as day."

"You're pretty good at saving me."

"Hah!" Not-Marik barked out the short laugh. Sarcasm dripped from his words. "No I'm not! I'm deranged, silly! An unhinged force of pure destruction! Completely unstable in every way!"

"You can help others avoid harm _and_ be crazy," Ryou said, as serious as a heart attack. "Helping others and mental instability aren't mutually exclusive."

A conflicted look crossed Not-Marik's face, and he looked away, out into the woods that didn't involve meeting Ryou's eyes. "Why are you being so nice to me? Don't you remember Battle City?" Not-Marik's voice was far smaller than before, and Ryou decided he didn't like hearing Not-Marik sounding timid. He looked over at Not-Marik, even though Not-Marik wouldn't look at him at the moment.

"Not really," Ryou said honestly. "The Ring Spirit kept me unconscious or trapped in my soulroom for most of it. Yugi and the others told me a bit about what happened, but that was years ago, so I don't remember the smaller details."

"It's been years? How many?"

"Six."

"Six," Not-Marik breathed out. "Six years." Ryou put a hand on Not-Marik's shoulder, and Not-Marik gave him a thankful smile in return. A strange comfortableness fell over the two as Not-Marik processed how long it had been since he was banished into the shadows.

The duo reached the edge of the woods well after the moon filled the sunless sky. White light gleamed off the road, casting strange shadows against the pavement and trees. Ryou was unsure now if the shadows were only from the moonlight, or if their distortion was Not-Marik's doing.

"Bakura, wasn't it?" Not-Marik asked once they reached the car, breaking the nearly half-hour long silence the two had walked in. Ryou nodded, and turned to face Not-Marik. Not-Marik was looking away, down the road with his arms crossed, hunched in on himself just enough to notice. "Will you bandage my hands? They hurt."

"Of course," Ryou said, and readjusted Not-Marik's cloak so it would not fall from Ryou's shoulders before he opened the car trunk and rummaged through it. From the trunk he pulled a standard First-Aid kit, shut the trunk, and unlocked the passenger side door. "Sit, so I can have the cabin light on your hands," Ryou said, stepping aside so Not-Marik could open the door and sit inside.

Not-Marik sat under the bright glow of the inside lights, eyes shut. Ryou considered for a moment turning Not-Marik's head away from the light, but decided against touching him without warning.

"If the light bothers your eyes, you can turn your head," Ryou said as he tried to find tweezers in the med kit.

"It's not that," Not-Marik muttered, but he didn't elaborate so Ryou didn't pry.

"I'm going to pull the splinters from your hand. This might hurt, and they may need to be dug out if they're too deep," Ryou said. Not-Marik just nodded, so Ryou went to work.

Not-Marik hissed in pain when one of the larger chunks of wood was pulled from his hand, but other than that, he stayed quiet and tense. Ryou worked as quickly as he could, but some splinters were stacked and had to be dug out with the tweezers. Ryou went for one of the ones more on Not-Marik's palm, but the flex of his tensed hand kept hiding the sliver of wood.

"I need you to relax for me, okay? I know it hurts, but all the wood has to come out," Ryou said, daring a glance up at Not-Marik. His eyes were still closed, but there were teeth prints on his reddened bottom lip.

"Hurts too much," Not-Marik said. His hand did not relax at all.

"Welcome to being human." Ryou's voice was quiet, his eyes downcast, but Not-Marik heard him as Ryou rubbed idle circles into the center tendon of Not-Marik's wrist. Not-Marik looked at Ryou but their eyes did not meet. He felt something deep and consuming, as if he were plunging into a voided ocean. The nothingness waves threatened to swallow him whole and keep him captive in the depths of a feeling he could not name.

Not-Marik relaxed his hand as much as he could. It was just enough for Ryou to dig out and remove the last of the troublesome slivers. The rest were hardly noticed as they were removed. Ryou put the tweezers in one of the plastic bags before putting it back in the kit. It needed to be cleaned.

"This is going to hurt a bit," he said as he opened a small bottle of rubbing alcohol and grabbed sterile cotton balls.

"How mu- Fuck!" Not-Marik kicked out on reflex, slamming the heel of his boots into the glovebox door as Ryou dropped his hand and stood to move back. "Shit that fucking hurts!" Ryou was about to say something when the glovebox door opened with a thunk. The jostling from Not-Marik knocked around the glovebox contents, and a few napkins, a tube of toothpaste, and a flashlight fell out. The flashlight rolled on the floor until it knocked against Not-Marik's foot. The two looked at the flashlight, laying on the floor with utter indifference to the world around it, and then looked at each other. Not-Marik cracked first, laughter erupting from his chest despite the stinging pain of his hand. Ryou followed, giggling as he covered his smile with the back of his hand. The two laughed for a good while - though Not-Marik sounded more like he was cackling at the moon at one point - before Ryou calmed down enough to speak.

"I did say it was going to hurt a little."

"That was more than a little, Cream Puff," Not-Marik sneered, the grin from his laughter still painted on his face. Ryou just shrugged. He knew rubbing alcohol hurt, but Not-Marik acted as if it had shocked his entire system. Not-Marik gave Ryou one of his bloody hands. "Just pour it on, it'll be faster."

"If you insist, but it won't feel pleasant."

"None of this is pleasa- Fuck!" Not-Marik's bad mood was only worsened as Ryou chose his moment of snark to pour the rubbing alcohol onto his outstretched hand. Not-Marik gripped the seat, but didn't attack any of Ryou's car this time. He swore again when Ryou poured the rubbing alcohol onto the other side of his hand, and swore as Ryou cleaned his other hand as well.

Not-Marik was panting, teeth gritting together as his jaw clenched, by the time Ryou was wrapping padding and gauze around Not-Marik's torn up hands. Ryou packed up the First-Aid kit when he was finished and stood as Not-Marik flexed his hands.

"Where did you learn to wrap bandages like this?" he asked to the back of Ryou's head.

"I couldn't exactly go to the hospital when the Ring Spirit stabbed me," Ryou said over his shoulder. He saw the face Not-Marik made. "Oh don't look at me like that, I'm sure you've seen them, if not yourself then through Marik's eyes. I'm not entirely oblivious to what the Ring Spirit was running around doing in my body."

"I didn't see _everything_ Marik did," Not-Marik said, but he made no comment on anything else Ryou spoke of. He looked away, out at the darkened road, as Ryou returned the First-Aid kit to the trunk.

Not-Marik turned back to look at Ryou again when he heard the trunk shut. He knew he should leave soon, but the car helped shield him from the wind. Ryou still had his cloak, but Not-Marik couldn't bring himself to take it back yet. He couldn't sit in the car forever though.

"Thank you," Not-Marik said, and he found the words wanted to gum up in his mouth. "For bandaging my hands, and," his voice trailed off again. Something with spikes grew in the pit of Not-Marik's stomach. It was prickly, and heavy, and tried its best to sink down into his intestines. "I should be on my way now."

"The weather is only going to get worse tonight," Ryou said. His eyes met Not-Marik's again, and only then did he realize the lavender eyes had a faint glow in the darkness of night. Only then did Ryou truly comprehend that Not-Marik was exactly as he said he was. Half Shadow Magic. Not entirely human.

"I'll be fine." Not-Marik stood from his seat as if to prove a point, but Ryou shook his head before Not-Marik could move further.

"I insist," he said despite not knowing why. He had no reason to be kind here, to extend his neck and offer aid when he had already done more for him than Not-Marik had done for anyone else. "You can sleep on my couch, at least stay until morning when it will be warmer out."

Not-Marik looked at him, and then the road, and then into the car as a spiked ball of ice clamoured around in his chest. His chest felt tight, constricted and strained in the same moment. He hated feeling so much, and hated even more than Ryou could likely name this feeling and every other feeling he hadn't a clue about. Knowing he was his own person now, no one to overthrow or fight for dominance with, felt like drowning in nothingness, suspended in a void holding back all his limbs. He had nothing to prove, and he didn't know what to do with himself now.

"You're going to let a killer into your apartment?" Not-Marik asked with a nervous huff of a laugh.

Ryou just gave him a smile, one of his smiles dripping with tried patience. "Have you changed your mind about killing me tonight?"

"No," Not-Marik muttered as he crossed his arms.

"Great! Then I'll put linens on the couch when we get to my place," Ryou said, and got into the car. After a moment of processing, Not-Marik climbed back into the car, shutting the passenger door behind him. Ryou glanced at him with a soft smile still on his face, started the car, and headed down the road.

\---

The drive back to Domino was not very long, but the way shadows danced along the road in the car's headlights made staying awake difficult. It was not late by any means, certainly not for Ryou's standards, but the darkness and the shadows and the endless sameness of the backwoods road served as a pendulum through which Ryou's eyelids were coaxed into heavying. Little by little by little Ryou fought with his own eyes and own brain to stay awake, Not-Marik's silence not helping in the slightest, until the backroad turned to the main highway and the road was flooded with streetlights.

Streetlights turned into the lights of the city, only to disburse back into streetlights as Ryou turned onto the road that his apartment sat.

Not-Marik waited for Ryou to get out of the car before he left it as well. He followed Ryou through the security door and up the stairs to the elevator. The two stood in silence in the elevator, and Ryou led Not-Marik down the hall when the elevator stopped on the fifth floor. Down the hall, to the right, through another door, and down two doors stood the door of Ryou's apartment.

"Sorry it's such a walk," Ryou said as he unlocked the door. "I'm not sure why the building was built like this. Anyhow, make yourself at home. I'll get the linens for the couch." Not-Marik looked around Ryou's living room as Ryou disappeared down the hall. Wall shelves of hand-painted figures lined the walls, lower shelves containing stacks of books and movies. A television sat near the window that was hidden behind blackout curtains, and a gaming console sat in one of the cubbies inside the television stand. A couch faced the television with a coffee table in front of it, off to the side but not against the wall, leaving room for one to walk around the couch from either side.

Ryou returned with linens, a pillow, and several thick blankets. He made the couch up like a bed before Not-Marik had a chance to say anything about the living room decor.

"If the couch bothers you out in the open, we can push it against the wall," Ryou said. Not-Marik just shook his head. His chest was still tight, but this time from something warm. Warm and suffocating, almost like an oven or the desert heat or a wound coil. He wanted to hold himself instead of being held by the heavy feeling, but he couldn't bring himself to do so in front of Ryou.

"It's fine," Not-Marik said, but he looked at the couch instead of Ryou. "You've been very kind. You probably won't die in your sleep tonight."

"I would hope not," Ryou said with a smile. He turned to leave, but said over his shoulder, "if I die tonight, neither of us will get homemade breakfast in the morning." He retired to his own bedroom, leaving Not-Marik to stand in the living room, frozen and mouth agape at Ryou's disregard of danger. The tightness in Not-Marik's chest began to uncoil, replaced with something equally warm but far lighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First inspired by [this](https://kevlar01.waterfall.social/post/435108) lovely Deathshipping kiss by [Kevlar01](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kevlar01) but then the one-shot caught plot and the kiss got......delayed. It'll happen eventually I promise!!  
> Many thanks to [Jay](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayTheAngstKing) for betaing this chapter!  
> And thank you to everyone who reads this!! I hope this is as enjoyable to read as it was for me to write <3


	2. Chapter 2

His thoughts fluttered around in a haze as he awoke. His surroundings were soft and warm, keeping him captive in half-slumber as something made a clamouring noise somewhere behind him. The scent of grilling fish floated its way through the air and his mind drifted to thoughts of breakfast. There had been no food in the Shadow Realm. No food or sensations or anything. Breakfast hung in his head more than returning to sleep, but his surroundings were so comfortable he could not bring himself to move.

Footsteps, as quiet as a thief, approached where he laid, and he was on his feet in an instant, blanket half wrapped around him and half on the floor.

"Good morning, I'm sorry for startling you."

His first thought was to attack, for the man before him looked so much like the dark spirit Marik ran around with, but something about the man made him think twice. Something about everything before him made him think twice. He was not in the Shadow Realm. He was in an apartment living room. All at once, he remembered the day prior.

"What do you want?" he sneered, but something impaled his heart and dragged it down into the pit of his stomach when the man before him - Ryou, he remembered now - frowned, a flash of hurt in Ryou's eyes.

"Would you like breakfast?" Ryou asked. "I made extra, it's no trouble."

Not-Marik stared at Ryou. He was being so hospitable, and though Not-Marik could assume that was just part of who Ryou was, something about the unprompted well-wishes and offers of assistance raised every suspicion for him. His eyes narrowed, the glare directed at the floor.

"You don't have to eat it now, I can always put it in the fridge for later," Ryou offered, to which Not-Marik shook his head.

"No, I'm hungry," he said, and Ryou smiled. Ryou left, presumably to return to the kitchen, leaving Not-Marik to stand in the living room alone again.

He considered sitting back on the couch, but he had a feeling Ryou wanted him to follow. Not-Marik gathered up the blanket tangled around his legs and wrapped it around his shoulders. The living room felt chilled, and Ryou still had his cloak somewhere. Not-Marik hadn't seen it on him that morning, but he didn't take Ryou as the type to throw out someone's things. Maybe he put it in the wash? But Marik never washed it in a machine.

"Bakura," Not-Marik called into the kitchen as he walked into the adjacent room, blanket wrapped around him like a cape.

"I'm in here," Ryou said, his head peeking around the corner just long enough for his eyes to meet Not-Marik's. "And you can call me Ryou, you know. Is something the matter?"

"The cloak I loaned you last night."

"Right! I folded it and put it beside the couch. I was going to wash it, but it looks like it's dry-clean only," Ryou said. His head disappeared around the corner. "I can take it in before work today if you'd like."

Not-Marik looked over at the couch, and sure enough, a neatly folded purple bundle sat on the floor beside the armrest. How had he not noticed that before? He was losing his edge. He looked back over at the corner Ryou disappeared at. Did he want Ryou to wash it? He couldn't remember the last time it had been cleaned. And he had been wearing it in the Shadow Realm, apparently for many years from what Ryou told him last night. But that would mean Ryou doing him more favors, and he didn't need to be in debt, even if Ryou seemed harmless. He couldn't be harmless. Ryou made Not-Marik feel so many new and overwhelming things. He wasn't sure if he hated it, either.

Not-Marik followed the path he saw Ryou take, around the corner and down the hall. He found himself in a dining area. The kitchen was there as well, separated by a counter. Ryou moved from counter to stove to cupboard to counter as he finished up the breakfast he made mention to, oblivious to Not-Marik standing in the doorway.

Not-Marik looked at the small table that could comfortably seat six - or four if dishes were left in the center to self-serve - and took a seat on the corner edge near the wall. He fidgeted with his blanket, not knowing what to do with his hands. Before he realized it, a bowl of steamed rice tipped with several grilled fish was placed in front of him, utensils following to the side.

"There's more if you want it," Ryou said as he took his seat across from Not-Marik. "I didn't know how hungry you were, or if you'd like it."

"Anything's fine," Not-Marik muttered. He said his thanks and they both dug in, though once he tasted Ryou's breakfast, Not-Marik all but devoured the meal before him. He had yet to feel hunger or any other need since his return from the Shadows, but the moment the food hit his tongue, Not-Marik felt the ravenous hunger of the past voided years all at once.

"Would you like more?" Ryou offered as he watched Not-Marik inhale his meal. He tried not to take it as flattery considering where Not-Marik had been, but he couldn't help the small spark of pride that warmed his chest despite his best efforts. "There are a few mackerel left, or I could quickly make something else before I leave."

"Anything's fine," Not-Marik repeated as he shovelled the last bit into his mouth. Ryou gave him a smile, but something about it felt chastising. Not-Marik couldn't place what could be wrong.

Ryou was too polite to say outright not to speak with your mouth full, and realizing Not-Marik wasn't going to take the hint anyway, he dropped the look after deciding it wasn't that big of a deal. Jonouchi and Honda did it all the time, what's one more well-meaning ruffian?

He gathered the plates from the table, bringing them into the kitchen and returning with a second full bowl for Not-Marik and a warm cup of tea for himself. He could feel Not-Marik's eyes on him, but he paid no mind to it as he sat back down. He sipped his tea while Not-Marik ate, letting the warmth chase away the slight chill in the apartment.

"Do you have any plans now that you're back?" Ryou asked when he noticed Not-Marik eating at a more leisurely pace.

"I already told you," he said with a shake of his head and a mouth full of food. He pushed the meal to his cheeks to speak better. "You're safe, so don't worry about it."

"I'm not worried, I'm interested," Ryou corrected with a soft smile.

A chill ran through Not-Marik's veins, bleeding out into a warmth that threatened to paint a deep crimson across his cheeks. He glanced at Ryou, but regretted it in an instant as warmth under his skin worsened. "I don't have a plan," he muttered as he looked away. He didn't see Ryou's reaction, but he felt he may explode if another face Ryou made gave him such a feeling again. "I saw a chance to escape and I took it."

"I thought you wanted to- to-" Ryou frowned as he tried to recall the phrasing he was retold. "Tame? Tame the Darkness."

"I did. Do. I still do. And I did! See?" Not-Marik held up his hand, thick smoky shadows curling around it like flames of ink. "I did. But the Shadow Realm is void the deeper you go. There were no monsters where-" he hesitated, daring a glance at Ryou. He continued when Ryou nodded that he followed Not-Marik's meaning. "There was only a lack of, well, of everything. So I left when I could, and now I-" Not-Marik's voice trailed off.

"You're welcome to stay here another night if you'd like," Ryou said before a thick silence could weigh down upon the dining room.

Not-Marik couldn't bring himself to accept or decline Ryou's offer. Some part of him wanted to stay, and another wanted to get as far away from Ryou as possible. Feeling was difficult, and all Ryou gave him was more and more feelings. None of the feelings he had he understood, or recognized, or wanted to deal with. It would be easier to leave. Far easier to forget he ever saw Ryou. But the dining room still smelled like breakfast, and Ryou was by far the kindest person Not-Marik had encountered in his years of life - except maybe Ishizu, but she wasn't kind to _him_ , just kind _in general_ \- and Not-Marik didn't want to be stuck figuring out how to be human on his own.

Ryou sipped the rest of his tea before he stood. "I have to leave for work soon, especially if I'm stopping by the dry cleaners on the way there." He met Not-Marik's eyes. "Did you decide if you wanted me to have your cape cleaned?"

Not-Marik nodded and stood himself. "I can handle the dishes. In the sink, right?"

"It's no trouble," Ryou declined as he took the empty bowl from in front of Not-Marik. "I'd be a terrible host if I made my guest gather my dishes. If you would excuse me." He left Not-Marik standing at the table, going to the kitchen to place the dishes in the sink.

When he returned, Not-Marik was not in the dining room, and Ryou's shoulders sank. Had he left? Ryou turned around to look for Not-Marik, only to find him in the doorway, holding the dark purple cape.

"Here," he said. "I'll repay you when I find a way to make money."

"It's no trouble, really," Ryou said as he took the cloak from Not-Marik. "It's nice to have the company." He walked past Not-Marik and headed to his bedroom to change into more work-appropriate attire, once again leaving Not-Marik alone with his thoughts.

Not-Marik went back into the living room, but the sight of the couch-turned-bed froze him in place. Why was Ryou being so kind? What could he possibly want? Not-Marik shook his head. Ryou never asked for anything. He had no reason to start now. But that made Not-Marik even more wary about accepting Ryou's generosity. Everything came with a price.

"There's a spare key on the counter," Ryou said as he walked into the living room, dressed sharp in business attire. "I won't condone any crimes, but you're welcomed to come and go as you please while I'm away. Just lock the door. I'll be home this evening." Ryou toed on his shoes by the door, and then bent down to lace them. He stood back up and gave Not-Marik a warm smile. "Well, I'm off. I do hope to see you again this evening. Um," Ryou hesitated, awkwardly realizing he never asked if Not-Marik had his own name. "I'm terribly sorry for not asking sooner, but, how best should I call you?"

Not-Marik studied Ryou's features for a moment, searching his eyes for ill-intent. A name was a powerful thing. "I don't have one," he admitted, and watched as Ryou's eyes grew wide.

"If you'd like a name, you're welcome to use my computer to look for one," Ryou said. He bit his lip as he glanced at the time on his phone. "Do you know how to use a computer?" Not-Marik nodded, so Ryou continued. "Great! I'm sorry, I would stay longer and help you search, but I'm going to be late if I don't leave soon. I hope to see you again this evening!"

Not-Marik watched as Ryou left, and heard the lock click a moment later. He sighed and sat down on the couch, atop the sheets and blankets that made it a bed. A name. He didn't have the time to think about it before. In Marik's head, he was Marik. In the Shadow Realm's depths, he was nothing. Now he was neither Marik or nothing, but he didn't have a way to refer to himself anymore. The Darkness? No, that was a part of him, but not all he was. He couldn't recycle Marik, since he was even less Marik now than prior.

Not-Marik looked over at the hall, which led to Ryou's room, which led to Ryou's computer. Maybe some searching wouldn't hurt. It would at least give him a starting point.

"I know my name."

Ryou did not even have an opportunity to shut the door, let alone take off his shoes, before Not-Marik was inches from his face wearing a wide grin. Ryou didn't know it, but it was a grin that strongly mirrored the wild look Not-Marik wore in the past.

"That's wonderful," Ryou said with a warm smile, somehow still having the patience to keep his exhaustion from work at bay. "What am I to call you, then?"

"Kek!" Not-Marik announced as he stepped back, giving Ryou room to leave the doorway.

Ryou stepped forward and shut the front door. He toed off his shoes as he spoke. "Kek, that's very unique. I swear I've heard that name before. Were you inspired by something?" He stepped into the living room as Kek nodded. "Let me change into something more comfortable, and then I would love if you told me all about it," Ryou said. "Would you like a cup of tea? I'll be starting dinner soon, as well."

Kek's stomach growled at the mention of food. He looked at Ryou, who stifled a small laugh at the sound, and he felt the muscles of his stomach coil. Was Ryou laughing at him?

"I-" Kek began to say, but the words locked up his throat. He just looked at Ryou, his cheeks dark from the nervous blush that grew across them, unable to form the words.

"I'm flattered that my cooking is that exciting," Ryou said with a slight bow. "Give me one moment and I can get started on it." Ryou headed to his bedroom, leaving Kek to stand awkwardly in the middle of the living room with his thoughts.

Kek felt as if his thoughts were racing and frozen in the same moment. He was too jittery to sit back on the couch, so he paced the length of the room. _Was Ryou laughing at him?_ He didn't think so, but there was still the chance that Ryou was playing him for a fool. No, no, Ryou would not do that. Ryou was not _the Spirit of the Ring_. Ryou was _Ryou_. He would not laugh at him for being hungry. He would not laugh at him for waiting, or for being excited about having a name - about Kek finally finding and having and knowing his _ren_. Unless, he would?

Unless Ryou was not as Kek thought him to be?

Kek glanced at the doorway that lead to the hall, his pacing paused for just a moment. He wished he still had the Millennium Rod so he could look into Ryou's thoughts and know if he lied to him or not. Kek shook his head. No, somehow that felt like it would be worse than murder. Ryou already lived with the Ring Spirit in his head for so long, it wouldn't be right to sneak his way in there as well. He would have to find some other way to know what Ryou was thinking.

"Alright, so, Kek," Ryou said as he walked through the doorway. He looked much more comfortable in the relaxed clothes he wore. "Would you like to tell me about your name inspiration over tea, or should I start dinner?"

"Tea," Kek said after a moment of thought. He looked away from Ryou as he muttered, "but I am hungry as well." It felt too needy to voice properly, as if he demanded too much.

"I can bring tea out here, or I can meet you in the dining room," Ryou said, once again presenting Kek with choices the man didn't think were necessary.

"Either's fine," Kek said with a shrug. He didn't want to be alone with his thoughts, but Ryou must be tired. Kek didn't know what Ryou did for a living, but he looked tired when he got home, and imagining seeing other people all day made Kek feel a weariness in his bones that he didn't know he could experience from thought alone.

"Dining room then," Ryou said. "I can start dinner that way too."

The two headed to the dining room, Kek at the table and Ryou in the kitchen setting the kettle to boil. Kek was quiet while Ryou made tea, but looked over at him with eager eyes when Ryou brought the two cups over.

"So," Ryou said as he sat down, "how did you decide on Kek?"

"How much do you know about the old gods?"

"Um, not much, to be honest," Ryou admitted. "I know a bit about the main Egyptian pantheon from following my father around at work, but I haven't had the opportunity to study anything in depth."

"Do you know of the Ogdoad?"

"A little bit," Ryou said. He thought for a moment, sipping his tea, and then the realization hit him. "Oh! You mean Kek like-"

"Yes exactly!"

"You're naming yourself after the god of the primordial darkness?"

"Should I not have?" Kek visibly shrunk, slinking down in his chair with his cup of tea in hand.

"Your name should express you, especially when you have the opportunity to choose that name for yourself," Ryou said with a soft smile. "If you feel Kek fits you the best out of every name you found, then it's your name and I'll make sure to remember it."

"Ryou," Kek said, but his voice trailed off. He felt overwhelmed by both warmth and a frigid grip in his chest and behind his eyes. Something inside him demanded to pull Ryou close, and something else demanded he ran.

Ryou, oblivious to Kek's internal war, finished his tea and stood. "I had best start dinner, or we'll be eating late. Does dangojiru sound good to you?"

"Anything's fine," Kek said automatically, still lost and confused as he tried to figure out what the strange and persistent feeling in his chest was. Ryou headed into the kitchen, leaving Kek with his thoughts even though the kitchen was not actually separate from the dining room.

The feeling faded after a while, and Kek watched Ryou mix dried sardines into broth and make noodle dough. Watching Ryou make dinner made him want to help, but he didn't know where to start. Would it be rude to offer? Ryou seemed insistent on playing the gracious host to him. At least, Ryou had last night. Would tonight be the end of that? Would Ryou ask him to stay again tomorrow, or was Kek to leave in the morning?

The thought made Kek realize he still didn't have any idea on what to do or where to go. He lifted his cup to drink, but found it empty. He frowned at the cup. He needed a plan.

"I should leave Japan."

Ryou looked up from where he was chopping cabbage. "You can't without identification paperwork. Unless the Shadow Realm sent you off with that."

"As if border patrol could stop me," Kek huffed. "I control the shadows. They bend to my will."

"I'm not going to stop you, but I will be sad if you get into trouble," Ryou said. "Especially if you are shot. I do not think the shadows could stop a bullet."

"You're doing that thing again!"

"What thing?"

"Where you make me feel things I shouldn't!"

Ryou blinked. His hands stopped, the cut cabbage not yet placed to the side or replaced by another vegetable in need of slicing and dicing for the soup. He thought for a moment on what Kek could be talking about. "Do you mean I'm causing you to empathize?"

"I don't know!" Kek slammed his hands on the table as he stood, the chair knocked over by the force of his movements. Ryou frowned, and Kek felt his heart pick up speed as he tried to anticipate what Ryou would say.

"You don't need to do that," Ryou said, referring to the way Kek smacked the table. "I said this yesterday evening, and I'll say it again. Welcome to being human. Even half-human, as you so love to call yourself. You feel things, and the feelings are confusing, but the confusion tells you that you're alive. That you're human _enough_." Ryou's eyes narrowed into a glare. "I will not apologize for sparking empathy in you, if that is what you're hoping for. Empathizing is not something to be sorry over."

Kek stood there, speechless, as Ryou returned to cutting vegetables. He stood there for quite some time before he picked up his chair and sat back down.

The kitchen and connected dining room were filled with the scent of fresh soup as Ryou set the table. Kek watched Ryou move with elegance, as if he knew where to put each step and each turn to move between the two spaces with efficient ease. He was staring, he knew he was staring, but the way Ryou moved captivated him. Was Ryou always like this? Did he always act so serene in his environment? Kek tried to think if he ever saw Ryou as Ryou before now, but all that came to mind was the smug spirit that once possessed Ryou.

He dove into the meal as soon as his bowl was in front of him, burning his tongue in the process. Ryou gave him a look of concern, and it made his chest flutter as if it were filled with small birds.

"It's good," Kek said, the bowl already nearly empty. He smiled as Ryou smiled. "It's really good. How did you learn to cook like this?"

"From living on my own, mostly," Ryou replied, cheeks tinged pink from the embarrassment of Kek's flattery. "You're welcome to seconds. There's plenty."

Kek got up and refilled his bowl without a second thought. He ate without conversation, his thoughts plenty active without Ryou saying anything. The comment about paperwork worried him. He would need identification eventually. Something told him Ryou would be willing to help, but something else inside him didn't want to continue taking Ryou's assistance, let alone ask for it. He commanded the very shadows of this world. He could figure out daily life stuff on his own.

"You're welcome to stay as long as you'd like," Ryou said as he stood from the table. "Any longer than a week, however, and I will have to charge rent." He brought his bowl into the kitchen and rinsed it out before setting it in the dishwasher.

"You need papers for a job, don't you?" Kek leaned back in his chair, his spiked hair only moving slightly under the pull of gravity. "Like you said earlier, I don't have those."

Ryou was quiet as he walked back over to the kitchen table, and smiled as he leaned forward as he spoke. A devious look flashed across his eyes. Kek couldn't help the way it reminded him of the Ring Spirit.

"Rest easy, Kek," Ryou told him. "I have an idea for that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took a chapter and a half but now I won't have to keep typing "Not-Marik" over and over and over. I really need to just name characters right off the bat, but I like names to have story significance so it always takes me forever to decide which name (and thus which "route") i want to go.
> 
> thanks for reading!! And thank you, Jay, for betaing!


	3. Chapter 3

Kek slept on the couch again that night, but in the morning he woke up to an empty apartment. A note sat on the coffee table. He reached out to grab it, bringing the paper close enough to read. It was addressed to him at the top.

_You are welcome to anything in the refrigerator. The spare key is on the counter. I left the computer unlocked. I'll be home to make dinner this evening. Your cape should be ready for pick up tomorrow._

_Ryou Bakura_

The paper fluttered to the ground when Kek let go of it. So, he would have the day to himself again. Was this life outside of Shadow Games and dueling tournaments? He couldn't help but think Ryou must be bored with his life. Kek couldn't imagine doing the same thing for six years. Was Ryou's life always like this? Maybe Ryou _was_ bored. He did take evening walks through woods outside of the city alone, after all.

At the persistence of his bladder, Kek got up from the couch to use the toilet. As he washed his hands afterwards, he caught a look at himself in the mirror. He hadn't taken a good look at himself the day before. Finding a name took priority then. Now though, name in hand, he had a moment to get a good look at his face.

He looked like Marik, but not enough to hate it. His cheekbones were higher and more defined than Marik's were. If someone saw them side by side, they would claim 'brother' but not 'twin' and that was good enough for him for now. He still scowled at the eyes that looked back at him. A brilliant lavender. Marik's eyes. Of all the eyes to get from the family, it must have been bad luck to get Marik's. Or maybe it was fate. He was only really related to Marik, after all. He was Marik.

"I'm not Marik anymore," Kek said to himself. He grinned at his reflection, pride swelling in his chest and wisps of the Shadows licking up at the ceiling from his shoulders. "I'm my own person now."

Kek decided to spend the day out. The apartment spare key was the only thing in his pocket and it sat heavy in the fabric. He needed clothes. Another day or so in the ones he wore would surely lead to breakouts, especially on his back. His scars didn't bother him, but the acne spots that crept up in the past were obnoxious at best and painful at worst. He enjoyed many types of pain, but acne pain was not one of them. New clothes would be the priority.

His stomach rumbled out a loud growl as he walked down the street. Food, food would be the priority, and new clothes would follow after that.

Food was not a difficult thing to obtain in theory. Practice proved otherwise. Kek found a convenience store a few blocks away from Ryou's apartment, but he had no money to buy. He couldn't walk in and take something, since then Ryou would get sad.

Kek paused his steps as he reasoned with himself. Would Ryou ever know if he took something? He looked around. The store was pretty close to Ryou's apartment. There was the risk. But why did he care? He glared at the ground. He shouldn't care. But he did and he couldn't deny it. The thought of upsetting Ryou gripped his chest with the icy hands of fear itself. So how would he get food without money, and without risking Ryou finding out?

His own shadow flickered under the sunlight, slipping in and out of being as he thought. It gave him an idea. He headed across the street, a manic grin stretched across his face. He'd cackle out a laugh if stealth was not of the essence. He stood just outside the window, partially hidden by an advertisement poster. There were shadows cast by the overhead lights inside, providing just enough space to manipulate the shadows to his will.

Kek reached out through the shadows like one stretches out their arm. The shadows built into a manifestation solid enough to snag a few items from behind the case. The items disappeared into the shadows, leaving behind only an empty space in the organized display rack. The shadows reconjured in Kek's hands. He felt the solid mass of the stolen items, and when the shadows receded, he held something breaded with Fumichiki printed on its paper wrapper and what looked like a rectangle of fried potato. He ate as he walked away.

The Fumichiki had been breaded chicken and he was correct in his guess of fried potato. It was by no means a thrilling breakfast, and Kek was unsure if he actually liked the breaded chicken and potato slab, but it silenced the gnawing of his stomach that had began so for now the foods were good enough. He continued his way down the street. With food taken care of, clothes were now the priority.

Getting on the subway was a mistake. It was so crowded and Kek had no clue where he ended up. Once the silence had bothered him enough, he got off at the next stop as soon as he could, paying no mind to the stop name or his surroundings until he reached above ground.

The streets were bustling with activity. People moved in both a set path and a cluttered mess as far as Kek could tell. He stood off to the side, out of the way but near the subway station entrance as he watched the crowds move. Tall buildings towered above him. Some of it he recognized from Marik, some of it felt familiar from high above the sky in the Battle City blimp, but none of it gave him enough of a thread to piece together a map from here to the mall he read about online. It felt like a lot of hassle to get new clothes when he could just kill a man and take the clothes from the corpse.

Kek shook his head at himself. No, he couldn't do that. He'd come home covered in blood and torn clothes and Ryou would ask questions about that. He couldn't guarantee his victim would be wearing cleaner clothes than his own. It would be a waste of his time, even if he did want to have a bit of fun. He patted his pocket. All he had was Ryou's spare key. While he loved a challenge, that type of _fun_ would have to wait. Clean clothes came first.

He decided to follow the flow of people down the street and see where he ended up. The crowds took him past business offices and little shops all smooshed together side by side with freshly washed windows and overhead signs labeling each building by a company name or personal designation. Nothing looked quite the same, but regardless Kek was sure he wouldn't be able to find the same station he arrived at if he turned left or right, so he kept going straight down the street.

It was entirely possible he could meld with the shadows and make his way back to Ryou's apartment that way, but he had only escaped the Shadow Realm a few days ago. He didn't have much opportunity to test the extent of his abilities. Now didn't seem like a good time to test it considering the number of people around. That was assuming any would notice.

Before he could really decide one way or another, he spotted colorful racks of clothing outside of a shop at the corner across the street. His eyes widened, much like a cat during a hunt, as he weaved his way through the crowd with his target destination locked on. He waited at the crosswalk as cars drove by. And he waited. And waited. And waited, until he heard someone's squeaky breaks and the pedestrian light turned green. With a new crowd that had waited with him at the light, Kek crossed over to the side of the street with the clothing out on racks.

A beige cardigan caught his eye almost immediately. Looking around, he paired it with denim cut-off shorts and a black-striped tank top. A green over-the-shoulder bag caught his eye, as did the security camera overlooking the clothing racks. He sighed to himself. It was never going to be as easy as walk up, take clothes, disappear. A quick look to his left gave him a place to stand where he could still see the clothes he wanted while outside of the camera's eye enough to use his shadow abilities. The street on this side was not as busy as across the street, but it was still busy enough that being seen was a concern.

Kek shook his head at himself. No, it didn't matter at this point. He found what he wanted, he would get it, and if he were lucky he could slip into the shadows at his feet himself to make his way back to Ryou's apartment without a hitch.

He reached out with the Shadows once more, feeling the inky smoke alight the nerves of his arm with sensation as his control went from the Shadows within him to the shadows cast under the clothing racks by the sun. The darkness reached up to the shorts first, spreading around the fabric like a rapid and consuming mold, until the fabric disappeared from sight. Kek repeated the same process for the cardigan and tank top, until the Shadows had all three items and he pulled the Shadows and their contents back to conjure in his hands. Sure enough, the Shadows pooled around his upturned palms, and when they melted away, he gripped three bunches of fabric. The cardigan, the shorts, and the tank top. He had half a mind to grab the bag he saw as well, but decided it was best to leave.

A turn of a corner brought Kek into an alleyway. There were nothing but shadows as the buildings on either side shielded the ground from the sunlight. It was as perfect of a place as any to try and make his way back to Ryou's apartment.

Kek stepped back into the darkest part of the alley, but he didn't actually have any idea on how to slip into the darkness himself. Reaching out with the Shadows at his command felt as natural as breathing. He could only assume this would be as well. He couldn't be sure though, and that uncertainty threatened to seize his chest. He had to try before his chest constricted but he couldn't move. He used to be fearless, and now failure that didn't really matter in the long run snuck into his veins and tried to flip his stomach. It didn't matter if he could move in and out of the Shadows. He still controlled them. Traveling through them would be a perk, not a life or death must, but trying to with the risk of failure felt more daunting than commanding Ra.

Kek braced himself against the wall. He tried to remember how to breathe. In, hold, out, hold. In, hold, out, hold. In, hold. He looked out onto the street and watched unsuspecting pedestrians walk by. Out, hold. A motorcycle parked across the street. In, hold. Someone dismounted. Out, hold. The helmet was removed to reveal shoulder-length golden hair. Kek felt his heartrate spike as he sucked in a sharp breath. He saw lavender eyes from across the street and wanted nothing more than to disappear, feeling like a caged rat about to be grabbed for an experimental injection.

The rough alley wall became the smooth surface of Ryou's livingroom wall. Kek couldn't breathe. His lungs stuttered. A shooting pain went up his arm and his fist was in the wall. His lungs inhaled.

"Shit!" he swore as his lungs threatened to cave in from the weight of the constricting panic trying to break his ribs. Ryou was going to kill him. Ryou was going to see the hole, get mad, and either kill him or kick him out. No, no, he couldn't let that happen. He'd kill Ryou before Ryou could kill him. He was the Darkness. Nothing could stop him.

Ryou came home from work to a dark apartment. He unlocked the door, removed his shoes, and stepped into the living room hardly able to see beyond his own nose. He stepped on a clump of fabric and looked down. He could see nothing, so he bent down to pick up what he stepped on. Bringing the item to his face, Ryou could see he held a beige cardigan. It didn't look like anything he owned, so Kek must have brought it home with him.

"Kek?" Ryou called out into the impenetrable darkness. He fumbled his hand against the wall, looking for the lightswitch. His fingers dipped into what felt like a hole in the wall and Ryou could feel his heart pick up. Had there been a break-in? Was Kek okay?

"Kek?" Ryou called out again, sounding far more concerned than the first time. He felt his way along the wall as he walked with careful steps towards his bedroom. He knew he could find the curtains easily in there for light if nothing else, deciding fumbling for the light switch would be a waste of time.

As Ryou turned the corner into the hall, someone grabbed him by his hair from behind. The cold steel of a kitchen knife pressed against his neck.

Ryou fell limp in his arms almost as soon as the knife was at Ryou's neck and something about it didn't sit right with Kek. Ryou had a cold-burning fire within him. He wouldn't just surrender, not so quickly.

Kek felt Ryou drop out of his arms a fraction too late. A bony elbow rammed into his side as Ryou got behind him, turning with the same graceful air he moved around his kitchen despite Kek's grip on his hair. A grip that was sliding down the length of Ryou's hair, Ryou refusing to let his head be kept in place by Kek's poor hand placement.

The knife nicked Ryou's neck, but he had enough space for such a move and he knew it, his deadweight fall against his attacker's arm making just enough space for him to move without serious harm. He grabbed the wrist of the hand that held his hair with one hand, and with the momentum of his weight, he dropped and threw his attacker over his shoulder. It was only then that he caught a glimpse of brown skin and sun-bleached blonde hair

"Oh my god! Kek?" Ryou gasped. He looked through the impenetrable darkness, searching for the man among the shadows.

Kek hid out of sight, the shadows thick enough that he knew Ryou would not find him until he called them back. Ryou's tone confused him more than anything else. Ryou had sounded concerned, but not _by_ him _._ _For_ him.

A hole of self-loathing burrowed its way into the pit of his stomach. How could he ever think harming Ryou could solve any of his problems when Ryou was the one person who showed him the kindness he had been unendingly denied? Kek was overwhelmed by the urge to run to Ryou, scoop him up and apologize until his throat bled from use, to swear he'd never harm him again, to make any promise it would take to earn Ryou's kindness again. He hated it. He hated how much he felt and what those feelings drove him to do. He was never supposed to feel this much, be this much, do this much. He wanted to be his own person, but he didn't want the burden of feeling anything beyond the thrilling glee of pain and destruction.

"Kek? Please answer, I'm terribly sorry for hurting you, I didn't know it was you," Ryou said as he walked the hall with one hand on the wall, navigating by touch alone. The sound of his voice pulled Kek from his thoughts. Kek knew he had to either face Ryou or run. He wanted to run, but he had never ran from someone before. The icy hand of fear had never gripped his heart so tightly before.

Against his better judgement, Kek recalled the Shadows back to him and the hallway flooded with the lights left on when he left. He watched as Ryou squinted under the sudden illumination, frozen in place.

"There you are," Ryou said, blinking to help his eyes adjust. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, I'm alright," Kek said with a nod. He prayed that luck would shine down on him and Ryou wouldn't bring up the attack.

"Good, I'm glad. Now, would you kindly tell me what the _fuck_ that was about?" Kek never was a lucky one and despite Ryou's calm, detached tone, it was clear the man would get answers one way or another.

"I-" he struggled to pull forth the words. What would be the right thing to say? Should he tell Ryou the truth, or would that only make the situation worse? What lie could he tell that would excuse him of responsibility? Was there such a tale that could let him save face in Ryou's eyes? Had he already damned himself, and this was Ryou's idea of toying before making a kill? Would this be when Ryou and the Spirit of the Ring were interchangeable, no different than two sides of the same coin?

"Kek." Ryou's eyes narrowed to a glare. Kek knew he had to say something. He couldn't stay quiet, but in that moment raising the dead felt easier than speaking.

"I just didn't want you to be mad at me," Kek finally said.

"About what?"

"I panicked and punched a hole in the wall."

"What caused you to panic?"

Kek wondered if this was what reciting the _Negative Confessions_ felt like. He certainly thought so. "I saw Marik, and he-" Kek's voice caught in his throat as Ryou put his hand on Kek's shoulder.

"It's okay to be afraid to face him," Ryou said. "It's okay to be angry, and resentful, and to never want to see him again." Kek nodded, but said nothing as the lump in his throat threatened to suffocate him, and Ryou continued. "I'm guessing you didn't kill him, or hurt him."

Kek shook his head.

"Good, I'm glad, and I'm proud of you for restraining yourself, because I'm sure you wanted to."

Kek nodded.

"If destruction helps you cope with your emotions, it is okay. But you can't break other people's things, including walls. I need to get the wall repaired and you're going to pay for it."

"I don't have any money," Kek said, unable to meet Ryou's eyes.

"That's actually part of the reason I was home so late today," Ryou told him. "Let me wash the blood off of my neck and I'll meet you in the kitchen."

Perfect forgeries of immigration and citizenship paperwork were slid across the table, to where Kek sat across from Ryou. The information on them was mostly false, except Kek's given name and his country of origin. Kek read over the paperwork twice before looking up to meet Ryou's eyes.

"I know even your birthday isn't accurate, but I assumed you would want as few ties to Marik as possible," Ryou said. "Nothing will be finalized until tomorrow since you need to sign the front document, so if you want to change anything, tonight would be your only chance without going through the legal system yourself."

Kek looked back down at the paperwork. _Ishtar Kek_. _Hair: Blonde. Eye: Purple._ Height, weight, country of origin, date of birth, all listed to varying degrees of accuracy. He didn't know his height or weight, but Ryou's guesses surely couldn't have been that off. Country of origin was an easy one. The seventh day of July seemed like it was chosen at random, but it made him smile that it was so far away from Marik's birthday. A spark of pride flashed through his chest when he realized the birth year hadn't been adjusted in any way, making him appear on paper as several months older.

"How much could I change later?" Kek asked as he read over the second page of the document.

"A bit, but admittedly not much. Given name and family name would need appealment, but height and weight can be 'updated' when you renew your identification cards," Ryou explained with finger quotes as he said 'updated', assuming Kek would understand what he meant. "According to your new papers, you're a legal citizen, so you won't need to reapply for residency or work visas or anything like that."

"How did you do all of this?" Kek asked with genuine awe. He knew Marik must have done something similar, but Ryou conjured the papers in less than a day.

"I called in a favor," Ryou told him with a smile, as if that cleared anything up for him at all. "You'll want to memorize the information once you've decided you're alright with it. You can and should be as secretive as possible with others, especially online, but you'll have to give the right information on job applications and taxes and such."

"Why would it matter who I tell what online?"

"The internet reaches everywhere, Kek. Who knows who you may be talking to on the other end of the screen, or who may see what you've shared later." Ryou stood from the table and held out a pen for Kek. "Don't worry too much about it. You'd be surprised how many people don't actually match their paperwork perfectly. While you make your identity decisions, I'm going to start dinner."

Kek took the pen from Ryou. Holding it to the paper felt almost the same as holding a chisel to stone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> raise your hand if you think you know how Ryou got those papers
> 
> Shoutout to Jay for betaing this!  
> Thanks for reading!!


	4. Chapter 4

Living with Ryou felt a little bit like living with the Devil. Everything was smiles and charm and waiting for the perfect opportunity to make a deal for your soul. Kek didn't think he had a soul to sign away, yet he couldn't help his weariness around Ryou's simultaneous hospitality and, well, he wasn't sure how to describe it, but it was not hospitality and it felt very different from what he had been lead to expect from the thoughts of the minds he once invaded with the Rod.

The comparison he learned from the minds he peered into felt apt. Devil, Trickster, Shady Deceiver. Warm smiles hid something darker behind their bright exterior.

Somehow, he didn't mind it though. He would find himself thinking about Ryou in the dark of night, trying to understand why he smiled soft like the spring breeze and yet held a look in his eye that suggested he would get his way in the end. Patient and opportunistic and pragmatic and Kek couldn't stop wondering why, when he yielded to none before, he made such an effort not to sadden or disappoint Ryou. What made Ryou so special?

Kek knew why but he didn't want to admit that he enjoyed every strange feeling he got in Ryou's presence or with Ryou on his mind.

Ryou hadn't even been mad about the stolen clothing. When Kek told him, Ryou just shrugged and asked if he had been seen taking them. Kek hadn't and the clothes went into the wash. His cloak came back from the dry cleaner's the next day, a more vibrant and royal purple than it had been when he first escaped the Shadow Realm. 

It had only been five days since he encountered Ryou at the lake. Five long and eventful and uneventful and short days. Currently, Ryou was at work and Kek was muddling around online, passing the time while he thought about jobs and goals now that he had paperwork and his freedom from the Shadow Realm he had been banished to.

Banishment and potential rebanishment was another thing that weighed on his mind more often than not. There was no doubt the moment the Pharaoh and his dueling posse - or his  _lesser_ half - found out he returned, there would be a heated conflict. But Ryou had yet to tell anyone about his reappearance, even though Ryou knew about the events of Battle City and beyond. Kek tried to guess Ryou's motives, but every time he either thought of something more akin to the Spirit of the Ring, or he thought of something he didn't want to be true. He didn't know why Ryou's motivations made him so nervous. Ryou shouldn't matter to him. Yet Ryou continued to matter a great deal to him. He cursed the emotions he hadn't possessed before, knowing the slippery empathy becoming a whole person involved was to blame. Empathy and sympathy and concern and care. Especially care. Care made Marik weak. Care made Marik easy to overpower every time. Would care be his undoing as well?

It didn't matter and the thoughts weren't worth it. Kek loaded up one of the games Ryou kept on his computer, one he hadn't tried out yet. Ryou had told him sometime yesterday he was welcome to play, to grind levels and loot, so long as he didn't change the builds Ryou kept. The fans of the desktop whirred as it processed the login.

The game loaded, world spawned, and the blip of a notification chimed through the speaker set. A group invite floated above the Forsaken mage Ryou played. He didn't normally join groups, but some games were easier with other players collaborating and since he didn't know how this game worked, he figured there couldn't be any harm in joining. He clicked Accept and the group chat loaded.

[puzzlewizzard]: somebody's playing at work

[br00klynr4ge]: speak for yourself

[puzzlewizzard]: day off :P

Kek wondered if  _puzzlewizzard_ meant him or  _br00klynr4ge_ . Should he say anything, or try to pretend to be Ryou? Would the players notice differences? Probably. The players in the chat were all on Ryou's friend list.

[teketekewhisperer949]: just a new roommate grinding exp for him :/

[DDR_champion817]: how nice of you!

[br00klynr4ge]: want to boost me next?

[teketekewhisperer949]: not on your life :)

[br00klynr4ge]: D:

[DDR_champion817]: new guy should join the voice chat

[teketekewhisperer949]: no mic

[br00klynr4ge]: use Ryou's

[teketekewhisperer949]: can't find it

[puzzlewizzard]: guys it's fine, we're leveling not progressing anyway

[DDR_champion817]: which quests first?

[puzzlewizzard]: warrior?

They went with the warrior quest line. For several hours, the group of four chipped away at class quests and chatted. Kek had a feeling more went on in the voice chat he didn't join, but something in the back of his mind told him to stay as private as Ryou often was. Despite the visual lags that increased as the day went on, he had to admit the game was fun. His group-mates weren't too bad either. The game was captivating enough that he didn't hear Ryou come home from work until snowy white hair reflected off the screen, which was black as a transition loaded.

"Enjoying my games?" Ryou's sudden appearance tripled Kek's heart rate. Kek whipped around to face Ryou, determined not to startle out of his chair, but he didn't know what to say. He imagined this is what a child in the cookie jar felt like even though Ryou explicitly stated he was welcome to play on his accounts.

"They're fine," he managed to say, already certain he stared at Ryou for too long. If it bothered Ryou, the man didn't let on. Instead, he just smiled, mentioned dinner, and left the room, leaving Kek no less rattled than before.

Kek took a deep breath and raked his fingers through his hair. He needed a shower. He needed to clear his head. He needed some sort of plan going forward. He got up and walked to the bathroom. A shower was far more doable than, for once in his life, making a detailed plan.

The water pressure of Ryou's shower rivaled that of the Battle City blimp, though it did not surpass it. The stream was nice nonetheless, working away at tense muscles knotted while hunched over the computer keyboard all day. Kek stood beneath the shower stream for some time, just adjusting his shoulders and leaning forward to make the water work away at different spots on his back, enjoying the muddled haze the warm water and release of tension draped over his mind. He thought and didn't think. He planned and didn't plan. Something inside him wanted to just keep doing as he was, clicking online and walking downtown and having dinner with Ryou, shadows and plots and world domination be damned. He had his freedom now, would that be enough to satisfy him? He didn't feel restless now, but would he feel restless later?

Not to mention, his week of rentless stay was coming to an end. He vaguely knew what that meant. Ryou hadn't mentioned it since that night, but at the end of the week Kek would owe him for any further nights stayed. He could just kill Ryou and avoid the hassle of paying for his sleeping space. Something about the thought didn't feel right though. Were it anyone else, he would have no qualms sacrificing them to the Darkness that curled within his veins. Something made Ryou different. Kek once again blamed the emotions he hadn't had before escaping the Shadow Realm.

The water began to grow cold, so Kek rubbed shampoo and then conditioner into his hair, covered himself in the cucumber body wash sitting next to the conditioner bottle, and rinsed the soaps off of himself and out of his hair before the now-lukewarm water could turn to ice. It wasn't the first time he used up all the hot water.

He turned off the shower and dried himself. His hair still spiked up despite the washing and drying, and the plush fabric of the towel caught a few times on the dry skin of his scars, but he ignored it as he usually did. It was just another thing that hadn't happened before until after he left the Shadow Realm.

So much changed and yet he felt no different and despite that he felt entirely different. The newfound feelings made his skin crawl from its epidermis. The awareness made his heart thump against the bones of his rib cage. All of it made him feel alive.

The sharp scent of spice assaulted Kek's nostrils as he left the bathroom, towel around his waist. Whatever Ryou was making smelt familiar in the same way deja vu would entrap one's mind. The familiarity pulled Kek into the kitchen, still in only a towel, luring him through the doorway to watch Ryou cook in secret. Except Ryou wasn't cooking and Kek was noticed almost immediately.

"Do you like kushari?" Ryou asked, sitting at the kitchen table with his back to the wall, facing the entrance of the dining room. He had glanced over to meet Kek's eyes in greeting, but the man's lack of shame drove Ryou to avert his eyes on impulse. It wasn't that he was shy by any stretch of the imagination, it was just that he looked over expecting a dressed Kek, not a bare-chested Kek with an amount of muscle tone he was a bit envious of. Six years in the Shadow Realm must be a workout goldmine.

"Did you get take-out?" Kek asked. Ryou nodded and his face sunk a little. "Your cooking would be better, but I like kushari."

Ryou was glad he already looked away, because he could feel his face heat up from the casual praise. It was by no means unwelcome, but he was a rather solitary person when not online, and he wasn't even sure if Kek considered his words flirtatious or honest. It wasn't like he could ask.

"I can't cook every day."

"I want to learn." The determination in Kek's voice made Ryou meet his eyes, lack of shirt ignored.

"I don't work tomorrow. We'll make lunch together," Ryou said with a smile, managing to keep from flushing further. His smile sank as Kek turned and walked away. The angry, dry skin of Kek's back scars reminded him of his own, namely the one on either side of his hand. The reminder made his hand's scar feel tight and he flexed his hand to disburse the feeling. He continued to eat his dinner to keep from dwelling on his scars and their histories.

Kek joined the table and ate from his own take-out container, wearing his black-striped tank top and beige cargo pants. The two ate in silence until Ryou finished his meal.

"I have moisturizing oils if your back ever bothers you," Ryou said as he cleaned up his trash and utensils from the table.

"I couldn't reach the worst of it," Kek said with a shrug. "It's not that bad." He was thankful for the gesture though. He also hated it. One more thing Ryou did that caused warmth to erupt in his chest and spread through his entire body.

"It's in the cabinet under the bathroom sink if you ever need it." Ryou put his utensils in the dishwasher and headed down the hall.

Kek bit his lip. "Wait!" he called out, heading after Ryou and abandoning what remained of his dinner. Ryou paused and turned to face him, an inquisitive though mildly confused look on his face. "About the other night-"

"I'm really not mad about the clothes."

"No, not the clothes." Kek bit his lip. He wished Ryou would interrupt him again instead of patiently waiting for him to continue. "The wall. About the wall. I want to fix it." 

Ryou blinked. Kek was certain Ryou knew there was more on his mind than just the hole in the wall. Ryou in all his devilish trickery had to know of the conflicts in his mind and he was using patient silence to bait out his innermost thoughts.

When the silence hung for too long, Ryou spoke. "I appreciate the offer, but I already informed building maintenance," he explained. "I'm glad you brought it up though. I'm not actually allowed to have roommates who aren't on the apartment lease, so I'll need you to spend the day out when the building manager comes by next week."

"Did you tell him how the hole got there?" Kek could feel his heart slam against his rib cage. He didn't think Ryou would rat him out, but he also still hardly knew anything about the snowy-haired man. The look Ryou gave him told him his fears were ridiculous.

"I told him about the break-in that happened and the confrontation I was in," Ryou told Kek. Kek nodded that he understood, but Ryou still sighed. "I'm on your side, Kek. I don't know what happened before and I don't know who you were before. I know hearsay, but talk is cheap. I don't know if you're worried because of the Ring or what, but I have no desire to go back to living alone if I can avoid it."

"Unless I can't make rent, right?"

"That is so you can be on the apartment lease and have a formal renter's history if you intend on staying," Ryou said. He blinked before inhaling a quiet gasp. "Oh dear, I was never clear about that, was I? I'm so sorry! I have no intentions of kicking you out over anything financial."

"But paying for the hole in the wall-"

"Is because you busted a hole in my wall. I'd pay for repairs if our roles were reversed," Ryou explained. He put a hand on Kek's shoulder and Kek felt almost trapped by the touch. It wasn't in a bad way, but the contact was certainly foreign to him and liking it was more unknown than the touch itself. "I enjoy your company, Kek."

He responded without a thought, without a moment of hesitation, the truest words he spoke in a very long time. "I enjoy your company, too."

The smile they brought to Ryou's face was like the rays of sunshine Kek had felt through Marik's skin when he went above ground for the first time. Ryou was the Devil. He made Kek feel emotions and tempted him with support and lurked behind a smile, waiting for a deal. Kek felt tempted to shake the Devil's hand.

\---

Lunchtime the next day came far sooner than Kek expected. Ryou never woke him directly, but the sound of Ryou rummaging through the kitchen did the job well enough. Kek shuffled into the kitchen with his cape wrapped around his shoulders. It made an excellent secondary blanket.

"Oh, good morning, Kek," Ryou said with a smile. He looked exhausted. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It's not morning," was the best Kek could come up with so soon after waking.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" Ryou asked as he got down two mugs from the cabinet.

"Sure." Kek opened the refrigerator and pulled out the leftover takeout box. The last of the kushari from the prior evening. He didn't actually know there had been leftovers from dinner, but there was no objection from Ryou as he moved the leftovers from the container to a plate, so he assumed it would be fine to have for breakfast.

Ryou handed Kek a mug of warm tea. He held it for a moment, enjoying the warmth of the fresh brew before taking a sip. Soft tones of white tea with the sharp tang of ginger did well to wake him the same as the slow rise of an early spring morning. It made him think of a feeling he never felt himself before, but heard of many times from the back of Marik's mind. An eternity of peace and pleasure as rewards for a heart light from lack of evil, found instead on the soil of the living world, by some miracle before one's death.

Kek knew for a fact he would find no such thing. He knew from the words directed to him from the moment of his creation that he would find nothing of the sort. But somehow, in the cup of tea Ryou gave him, he found what must be a taste of the unnameable thing.

"If you were serious about learning to cook, I can show you to make something simple today," Ryou said from the other side of the kitchen.

Kek could only nod, still shaken by the light-hearted taste of the tea. The light-hearted feeling only worsened as Ryou smiled at him. That damn smile, like sunshine on a winter's morning reflecting off freshly formed frost, was infectious not to his face but to his core. 

"Could you start a pan of asparagus while I prepare the salmon?" Ryou asked as he set his empty mug in the sink.

"Where are the- oh." Ryou got out a pan from the cabinet beside the stove and handed it to Kek before he was able to finish his question.

"I'll get the asparagus and other vegetables out," Ryou said as he handed off the pan. "The asparagus should go in first though, or else everything else will be overcooked."

Kek nodded and looked at the pan in his hands. It seemed easy enough. He didn't have any experience actually cooking something, but he saw Rishid do it a few times in the past. It couldn't be that difficult to season and warm up some vegetables.

He set the pan on the stove and turned the stove to high. Butter and a dash of oil went into the pan, but Ryou turned the heat down a few clicks so the burner was on medium instead of high. The wordless correction left Kek standing there for a moment just looking at the knob of the stove dial. He blinked once, twice, a third time, before committing the heat setting to memory. Medium heat.

He broke off the ends of the asparagus one by one and put them in the pan. The kitchen filled with the scent of a meal in progress, butter and oil sizzling under the heat of the stove as the juices within the vegetables were released.

At the main counter of the kitchen, Ryou de-scaled a good-sized salmon on a wooden cutting board. He worked the knife with quick precision, a full sweeping motion of his arm dragging the angled blade down from tail fin to head, removing the fish scales with clean, smooth movements.

Kek looked over just in time to watch Ryou slide his knife along the belly of the fish, opening up the inside, with the same relaxed appearance as he made tea with half an hour ago. The afternoon sun poured in through the kitchen window, casting Ryou in an ethereal golden glow as he worked in his element. He looked otherworldly in Kek's eyes. He demanded attention without a single word, radiating a warmth from his soul that beckoned Kek closer and closer.

Lavender eyes watched in awe-struck silence as Ryou set the knife down and secured his hair, white and pure like freshly-fallen snow, in a high-set ponytail before he returned to his methodical gutting of the fish. Each sweep of the knife spoke of familiar, practiced movements. One single motion to separate the head of the fish by its gills.

"Kek, could you hand me a trash bag underneath the sink?" Ryou asked, but to his question he received no response. He turned to look over his shoulder and his eyes met the dark abyss of Kek's blown pupils watching him.

Ryou spoke a bit louder this time. "Kek!"

"Huh?" Kek blinked for a moment. Ryou faded back into focus and the request he missed invaded his ears on a delay. "Oh! Right, um," he snatched a bag from within the sink cabinet with far more vigor than was necessary, "Here."

"Thank you," Ryou said with a smile as he took the bag. He removed the guts from the salmon and put them in the bag, leaving Kek to watch once more. Ryou picked the knife back up and sliced along the backbone of the fish, breaking through the ribs and cutting off a thick fillet of meat.

Watch was exactly what Kek did, so intently that the asparagus sat forgotten as Ryou flipped the fish over and sliced off the other side.

"I'll bring the scraps next door after dinner," Ryou said as he put the remaining fish scraps into the bag. "The woman who lives there uses them for garden fertilizer."

Kek blinked as Ryou tied off the bag. Whatever siren's song the man had sung concluded and only then did Kek remember he was supposed to be cooking something himself. Thankfully, the asparagus wasn't too done when he turned over the stalks with a wooden spoon, but the embarrassment of whatever trance he fell into bled throughout his body like creeping vines.

Behind him, Ryou seasoned and floured the salmon. Salt, pepper, and something Kek couldn't identify by scent alone were patted into the fish meat from the sounds of it. He could picture the action without looking.

Ryou, with graceful actions befitting a creature of holy descent, moving from one spot in the kitchen to another on feet as light as air to bring over the spices he deemed best to bless both he and Kek with. Ryou, existing within his home and the world around him with perfect equilibrium as he improved the spaces around him with nothing more than his radiant presence. Ryou, whose entire soul was surely comprised of nothing but light and good will in all five sections.

The clang of a pan being pulled from the cabinet beside Kek made him jump. Ryou gave him an apologetic smile as he set up the second pan, presumably for the salmon.

Kek didn't know how, he really didn't, but somehow his heart stammered in his throat instead of beating a steady pace within the cage of his chest. His skin felt warm, almost unbearably so, as Ryou buttered the pan beside him and placed the fillets inside. The smell that filled the kitchen made Kek's stomach growl.

The only distraction he could think of at the moment was to take a knife from the knife block and cut the remaining vegetables. He chopped and sliced with the same clean, precise movements Ryou had, handling the knife with a familiarity he felt in his shadow-eclipsed soul. He had no concern over the way Ryou set him ablaze or the unnameable gravity he felt towards the man. There was only Kek and the comfortable weight of the knife in his hand.

"You cut with good form," Ryou said from Kek's side.

"A chef in the making," Kek joked with heavy sarcasm. 

"You could be if you wanted to be."

The level of serious Ryou's tone of voice held made Kek squirm under his skin. Those words, such determined affirmations, they were far more foreign to him than anything he had experienced in the overwhelming, eventful few days he spent in Ryou's apartment. Ryou couldn't be serious. Ryou was so sweet and Kek knew that he was nothing of the sort. Kek knew Ryou must be mistaken, yet Ryou's mistake drew him in like a moth to a glowing flame.

Ryou leaned over to look at the pan of asparagus and Kek could feel the unidentifiable heat rise to contain itself across his face. He had too many thoughts all at once, but they ceased as Ryou spoke, gaining no purchase within his mind.

"Those look good," Ryou said, still in Kek's personal space. "See how the stems are starting to soften? You can put the rest of the vegetables in now."

"Nothing will overcook?" Kek heard himself ask.

Ryou shook his head and returned to his pan. "Nothing should now, since the asparagus takes the longest and it's almost done now."

There was still only a few inches between them, but Kek's shoulder, the shoulder Ryou had been looking over, felt cold in the loss of proximity. He was plenty warm from the stove, the temperature-controlled apartment, the strange heat that had yet to fade from his cheeks. Despite this, he felt a chill spread through his shoulder when Ryou moved away.

He shook his head to himself. Unknown feelings and unknown reactions were something he could deal with later. He had a task at hand that he didn't want to mess up.

He added the other vegetables into the pan, sliding them off the chopping board with the blunt side of the knife. One more thing cooking and one more batch to add to the scents of the kitchen that already made him far hungrier than he had been prior.

A sauce Kek couldn't identify was added to the salmon pan.

"Kek." Ryou touched Kek's arm gently, just enough to get his attention before he took a smaller knife from the knife block and pressed the tip against the meat. "Do you see how the meat just starts to flake when I try to split it?"

"Kind of," Kek said. Ryou repeated the action with a little more force and the meat of the salmon split after a moment of resistance. "Now I do. Does that mean it's done?"

"Another moment won't hurt anything, but yeah, it's ready to eat," Ryou said as he turned off the burner to that pan. "The vegetables are probably done too. How do they look?"

"Um," Kek hesitated as he looked back over at his pan. The vegetables looked softer, but not so much that they would fall apart to mush if he pressed them.

Ryou looked over his shoulder again and the fire beneath his skin relit.

"You make the call," Ryou said as he stepped away to get plates down from the cupboard. "This was supposed to be a learning experience, after all."

Kek adjusted his shoulder, pulling his cape slightly closer to him as the warmth of Ryou's proximity faded away. He wanted to capture the unexplainable glow Ryou granted him. Perhaps if he did, he would cook like the vegetables in the pan. He would become soft and seasoned for consumption, easily speared and devoured and erased. He would be left defenseless.

"They look done to me," he heard himself say. The stove clicked off. The smile Ryou gave him gleamed of paradise.

If he became soft and defenseless like the pan's vegetables, would the gods grant him a protector made of light?

Ryou picked a piece of cauliflower out from the pan with a fork, blew on it to cool it, and ate it with a quiet look of contemplation. "You did good, Kek," he praised. "Have you truly never cooked anything before."

"Not even once," Kek said as he shook his head. "I guess I just had a good teacher today."

"I hardly gave you any instructions at all," Ryou laughed. He arranged two plates of salmon and vegetables and handed one plate to Kek. "You are welcomed to cook with me anytime."

That laugh, Kek realized, was the living manifestation of every higher tranquil place each priest, holy one, and shaman sought out in their rituals, traditions, and offerings. Darkness was interwoven through each double-helix of his genetic makeup. Yet Ryou, with his words of certainty and the glow of his soul, eclipsed him with what could only be described as a change of heart.

They shared the meal they made together in high spirits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter. Fought me. So much. So. Damn. Much.  
> Thank you to Jay for betaing the first half and for helping me figure out how the hell to get the ball rolling for the second half of the chapter. Genuinely this would likely still be sitting collecting dust if it wasn't for his help.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who's been reading!! With any luck, it will not take another whole month to get the next chapter out!!


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